A tea shop, somewhere up North…

LORNA

So, I said to her, ‘This can’t be happening again.’

MARIANNE

What did she say?

LORNA

Well, you know what she’s like, she always knows best – or so she thinks. Drives me mad. How can someone always be right. That’s what I want to know.

MARIANNE

She’s always been like that. Remember that time in the park? I nearly knocked her block off.

LORNA

How could I forget! The thing is though, she has no shame. Her life isn’t that clever anyway. Talk about pot calling kettle black!

Marianne pours the tea

MARIANNE

There you go, a bit stewed, just how you like it. Do have a cake – don’t leave them all to me and my hips, for goodness sakes!

LORNA

He’s gone off to see his fancy woman for the weekend anyway. Mum says he just went off when she asked him about her. Just got up and walked out the house, without another word.

MARIANNE

Where is she from then?

LORNA

Pontefract, I think it is. Where the cakes come from.

MARIANNE

What these? I thought they made them here?

LORNA

No, not these. The liquorice ones. You know, the little black things. From the sweet shop.

MARIANNE (GRIMACING)

I don’t like them. They’re horrible. I had them once when I was a kid – never again. They got stuck to my braces and, well, it was a bit of a nightmare to get it all off.

LORNA

I suppose they are an acquired taste. A bit like my mum with her men, really.

MARIANNE

So, what’s she going to do?

LORNA

Nothing. As usual. ‘Doormat’ I call her, just to rile her, but it makes no difference. He’s just like George and Geoff and that little bloke. Eric, was it? I lose track.

MARIANNE

He was a bit weird, wasn’t he, that Eric? Squeezed your bum a few times, didn’t he?

LORNA

Too bloody right he did. I told him, ‘Once more with that I’d I’ll knock yer into next week’. He didn’t touch me again.

MARIANNE (LAUGHING)

I remember that alright, I laughed so much I ran out of hankies!

LORNA

It wasn’t that funny. I was right put out with him around, though I needn’t have worried. He’d have needed a lot of lead in is pencil for all the others. I think he had three on the go, as well as my mum.

MARIANNE

She can right pick ’em all right can your Mum!

Man enters the tea shop and notices them…

MICHAEL

Well, well ladies. One more and you’ll have enough for Macbeth…

MARIANNE

If it isn’t Micheal Lewis. Everyone’s loser. What brings you here?

MICHAEL

I was passing through and fancied one of Betty’s buttered teacakes. And thanks for the welcome back, Marianne, it’s appreciated.

LORNA

I haven’t seen you in ages. Where are you living now?

MICHAEL

I’m staying down South now. Winchester. Got a nice little job down there selling photocopiers. Can I join you?

LORNA

Of course, sit right here

Lorna makes space for him

MARIANNE

Are you kidding, Lorna? Don’t you remember what he did to you? You shouldn’t be giving this bastard an inch of space.

MICHAEL

Now, now, Marianne, keep your knickers on. It’s all a long time ago.

MARIANNE

Yes, but YOU didn’t have to pick up the pieces, did you? She was in bits for months.

MICHAEL

Oh, but it was only a bit of fun, now wasn’t it Lorna? There was no malice in it. After all, we did have an ‘understanding’, didn’t we. While your Barry was away.

MARIANNE

Are you kidding me? She was completely besotted with you and then you just buggered off when it suited you. Typical man, no thought for anyone else.

MICHAEL

It wasn’t like that. Was it Lorna? You were OK with it all, weren’t you?

LORNA

I was a bit upset. But yes, you did say it was only for a bit you were here.

MARIANNE

Are you winding me up? He just upped sticks and legged it when you got too clingy. It was an awful thing to do. Did a moonlight flit he did, without a by your leave…

MICHAEL

Lorna knew it was an ‘ad hoc’ arrangement and she enjoyed herself as much as I did.

Waitress appears

MICHAEL

I’ll have a pot of tea and a buttered teacake please. No, wait, I’ll have two. Thank you.

MARIANNE

‘Ad hoc’, oooh, listen to him! What are you doing here anyway, upsetting Lorna all over again.

MICHAEL

I’ve been to see my mother. She hasn’t been well.

LORNA

What’s up with her then? I thought I hadn’t seen her around for a bit.

MICHAEL

It’s her heart. She’s getting weaker. She’s on oxygen now.

LORNA

I like your mother she was very sweet to me when…aw, well, never mind.

MARIANNE

So you left Lorna and your mother as well. You are such a heartless git, Michael.

LORNA

Leave him be. He had to go away when he did. They were after him again.

MICHAEL (RATTLED)

Lorna, let’s leave it be, for goodness sakes. It’s a long time ago.

MARIANNE

Who were after him?

MICHAEL

No-one. Leave it be.

The tea and teacakes arrive.

MICHAEL

Ooh good, just in time.

LORNA

What are you doing now, down south. What have you been up to?

MICHAEL

Well, I live in Winchester, as I said. I have a wife now and two kids. Alice and, well, Lorna actually…

LORNA

Oh. Well, that’s nice. Very nice, I’m sure. How old are they?

MICHAEL

Eleven and nine. Yes, we’re very proud of them.

MARIANNE

How long is it since you left here, then, Michael?

MICHAEL

Oh, I don’t know. It was 2002, I suppose. It seems so long ago now. 14 years. Goodness.

Pours the tea

MICHAEL (TO LORNA)

Anyway, how’s your mother?

LORNA

Oh, she’s well enough. Getting older, you know.

MICHAEL

She still losing blokes every five minutes then? Ha, it used to make me laugh, how she defended them and then they’d bugger off with some other woman. Time after time, it happened.

MARIANNE

Bit like you then, those blokes of her mother. Not a care for anyone.

MICHAEL

She was vary nice, your mother, back then. Very nice indeed.

MARIANNE

What’s that supposed to mean?

MICHAEL

She was just ‘very nice’ to me, that’s all?

MARIANNE

Are you talking about her mother. Lorna’s mother? What do you mean ‘very nice’.

MICHAEL

Look, I meant nothing by it. She was just very nice to me when I was with Lorna. Made me cups of tea and things.

MARIANNE

What do you mean? Things…

LORNA (STARTING TO CRY…)

Shut up. Shut up, the pair of you for goodness sakes. Just shut up. I’ve had enough of all this.

MARIANNE

Look what you’ve done now, Michael. You’ve upset her all over again. Just like before. Why couldn’t you have kept away?

LORNA

I’m off home now. I’ve had enough of this. You two are as bad as each other…

MARIANNE (CONSOLING LORNA)

I’m coming with you. Away from this piece of crap.

Both gather their things and leave.

MICHAEL (CHEWING)

Mmm. I love a bit of teacake… fruity…