I don’t know what made me go there that day, baby, I really don’t.

But the thing is, I couldn’t wait any longer for you, and I had to come get you from there. It just didn’t seem right, that you were there and I was here, for God’s sakes.

Many the time I thought you were coming home to me, but you didn’t, and yet, I knew deep down you wanted to. That was the weird thing, you were coming back, but then you didn’t and, in the end, I saw that was the reality of the situation.

So, then, I simply couldn’t wait.

Jerry told me to wait outside for you. That I wasn’t welcome there any more. He’s such a prude that guy, always wanting to do things the ‘right’ way. What does he know, I ask myself? I know what’s right for me and for you, so he can go suck it. That’s what I say.

When you came out, and saw me, I wondered what you would say, but you were fine with it, even after all that time and we had a great afternoon, didn’t we, down by the river.

And now, it’s all over, isn’t it. I came, we spent time together and now, it’s all over for the last time.

If I have a regret, that’s it. I won’t hear your laughter; see your twinkly little smile ever again. It’s not gonna happen now, is it?

I know that what happened was wrong, but I really couldn’t stop myself. No way could I have ended it differently, because I had to have control, once again, like I always did. And then it happened.

Sort of, anyways.

It wasn’t going anywhere when I asked and then as you spoke, I knew – I simply knew what had to happen next, so it did.

And now I regret it.

Probably we shouldn’t have been in the boat at that precise moment, that might have been a mistake, I now see. But it was such a lovely day and we were having such fun, it just sorta seem perfect to get in and paddle out to the middle for our ‘chat’.

But maybe not.

They were hassling us a lot, weren’t they, those silly, drunk guys in the motor-boat. They should have left us alone and then we wouldn’t be in this fix, would we?

I had to do it, you know that don’t you? I had to fix the way they were ridiculing you. Your hair; your reputation; your body. Your motivation. For being out there in the boat; on the river with me.

Yea, with me, sad old Duke.

So when I fixed them, I knew what I was doing was wrong and I should have stopped when you told me to. But I didn’t and things got so out of hand that I messed up proper now, didn’t I.

So what’s left for me now, baby? I don’t know what’s going to happen.

When they took me away, I had all the love in my heart for you that I have ever had. The most, that’s for sure, but I couldn’t hold it in in those few moments, and I ruined it all.

You’re so wonderful. I know that you’ll move on in your life. I know that there’s someone out there who’s much better that sad old Duke, who followed you around for all those years like a soppy dog. Someone who will love you enough to give you space and time to be yourself and not be just fawned upon like I would have been.

Those boys, they did us a favour really. They did us both a real favour, that’s what I think now, for they did the one thing that frees us both and let’s us get what we deserve, the lives we deserve, baby.

For me, what’s the future.

Well, none of us knows. So far it’s been fine, nothing to sweat about, so you can feel that when it comes around, there’s nothing to fear. In fact, if removes so many fears that it’s quite calming and as to whether I can see, you, well, the truth is that I can’t really.

We do get a pass once every so often, ‘for good behavior’ where we can see what’s going on with our loved ones, but I don’t take it up, you know.

It would be too hard to observe, even though my emotions have been really pared down. That’s what seems to happen here. They neutralise you, really, so that you feel next to nothing.

Still I don’t want to see you at all. It might just hurt, despite the lack of feelings we get. And that I don’t need for eternity.

So, if this message is to say anything, it’s this. I don’t regret anything much. Every second I was with you. Every moment you were in my life. None of it. Even though it was often when we were apart is one any man might have dreamed of.

‘Je ne regret rien’, as my grandmother would have said of my time.

Even those last moments when it could have gone either way are simply perfect, now I can see the whole game in front of me. It panned out for the best after all.

Go live your life and be the best you can. You deserve that. Have no recriminations for me and what happened. It just was. And no-one should turn back that particular clock, nor can they.

I need to trust you to do this for me, baby, for as you know, there’s not a lot I can influence, in my situation. Nothing at all really.

Indeed, I don’t know whether this message can even get through all the fancy red tape they have here that’s there ‘to protect everyone’, or so they say.

Don’t forget to do the things you love. Don’t stop yourself from doing anything that takes your fancy, for life really is short in the context of everything and trust me, you do only get one go at it and it can disappear in that blink of an eye. It will be gone before you know it and you’ll be climbing the steps up from the lake even more slowly as time goes by.

Not like we skipped up them, eh? Those times we raced up there.

Anyhow, don’t let me get started again, or I’ll never finish this.

Hey and I want to see much more of your good works, when I do get a sight of you. Make sure all that arty-farty stuff gets priority. I reckon you might be quite good.

There’s a bit of money still in my kitty for you, you know, so buy that kit you needed. Stand by that potters wheel and I’ll try to pop by and watch. I so loved you working that wheel and some of the stuff you made was so good.

With that, my love; my baby, I’m gonna sign off and leave you alone.

But I know you’ll never be alone – you’re way too smart for that. You’re gonna tear up the town and find a Mr Right, just for you.

I can sense it.

Enjoy

All my love, forever.

Duke.